Who could forget our roundup of the Top 10 Scariest Sex Toys? Lord knows we couldn’t. We’re still having nightmares about being chased through a hedge maze by a giant vibrator. But because we are troopers, we won’t let a little sex toy terror stop us! That’s why we’ve ventured into truly uncharted sex toy territory by finding the top 10 scariest sex toys made for men. Trust us, you will never forget them.

Oral Satisfier. I thought these things lived at the bottom of the sea. Seriously, they could make an entire horror movie around this. I am agog.

Double Trouble Masturbator. You know, I don’t even know what this is. I mean, I know, but what does it look like? It looks SCARY is what it looks like. If I saw this thing coming at me in a dark alley, I’d run the other way screaming at the top of my lungs. But, hey, maybe that’s just me. Technically speaking, this is supposed to be a woman’s hands smooshing her boobs together, so the guy can—yeah, well, figure it out. Her name is Lacey. It looks like a cyclops.

Big Man Extra Large Penis Pump. All I know is if I had a penis, I would not put it in this thing, even if it does say ENLARGER on the side. I mean, geez. It looks like some sort of phallic death trap. Apparently this is for the big guys with big guns like that guy on “Hung.” If it’s so darn big, why would you want to make it even bigger?

Tenga Eggs. We’ve written about these egg masturbators before, and they’re not too scary to look at—in fact, they’re quite nice to look at—but you have to wonder how you would feel if you came home and your man was making love to an egg. Jealous? Hungry? Who knows.

Andy Sex Doll. Created by First Androids, Andy the love doll breathes, has a pulse, and can simulate orgasms. Is this the end of women? Perhaps!

Remote Control Vibrating Thong for Men. How ‘bout that vibrating thong you’re wearing, dude? A must-have for men who require their bells tickled, remotely. Range is twelve feet, so, you know, don’t go far.

Justine Joli’s Foot Stroker. You are now dating porn star Justine Joli’s feet. Congrats on that, buddy. Let us know when you find the rest of her, and we’ll double date.

Two Dildo. I guess this is the sex version of having webbed fingers. I am not sure why this would be required, but TWO each his own. “Developed by two lesbian-identified French women, the Two is perfect for anyone who’s always wanted a little extra reach, or for those with motor limitations.”

Lasso Wang Ring. Look! It’s a bolero for your peen! Perfect for the cowboy who won’t go out without a matching outfit for his little friend.

Realistic Titty Blow. Honestly, I’m speechless. How does this work? It looks like one of those animals that impregnates itself. Only made of silicone. Oh, wait. I just figured out how it works. I don’t think this is physically possible to do if you are a real woman, at least not to this degree, unless you are a contortionist, which I am not.

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