Archive for January, 2010

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream.

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 5000 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchy with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the spooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right after wards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

It all started last year when my husband had to go on a business trip for a week. My husband and I hadn’t been to sexually active for about two years. Oh we would have sex every now and then, but it just wasn’t satisfying. Seeing he was going to be gone for a week left my son Kevin and I home alone. Kevin was 18 at the time and still didn’t have a girlfriend. I couldn’t understand it seeing he was a very attractive young man. After I returned home from taking my husband to the airport, I accidentally walked in on my son who had just got out of the shower. “Oh I’m sorry Kevin,” I said, but yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of him standing there in front of me naked. He looked so stunning and I couldn’t help but take notice of his manhood hanging between his legs. It must have been at least 8 inches limp and was very thick.
“That’s okay mom, you’ve seen me before as I was growing up” he said as he wrapped a towel around himself. For the rest of the day I couldn’t get the thought of his cock out of my mind. I wondered how big it would be fully erect if it was 8 inch’s limp. I found myself getting turned on by the mire thought of it. After dinner we sat watching TV. The movie was rated R with allot of sexual scenes. At one point I glanced over at Kevin and saw that he was sporting a huge bulge. “God his cock must be gigantic,” I thought to myself as I peered down at the bulge. After the movie ended I asked him, “So are you seeing any girls?” “Nah, I really don’t have the time with school” he said.
“Well you should go out and find a girl” I told him, “What for?” he replied, “A young man like you should be dating” I said. Then I don’t know why I asked, I guess it just slipped out “Have you ever had sex with a girl?” This took him by surprise and he started to blush. “No not yet” he said in a low scared voice. I could feel the desire building between my legs. Kevin then got up and said he was going to go take a shower. I watched as he walked out of the room. I sat there thinking about what it would be like to have that big cock of his inside of me. “This is wrong, he’s my son,” I thought to myself.
I got up and headed upstairs, as I passed by the bathroom I noticed that the door was open. I stopped and peeked in, my heart skipped a beat as I looked at the glass door of the shower. There was my son stroking his meat. The size of it was unbelievable, it must have been ten inches or bigger. That’s when I knew I had to have it. I stepped back and then rapped on the bathroom door. “Kevin?” I yelled, “Yea mom” he answered, “After you get done put your robe on and come to my room so we can talk” I instructed him, “Okay” he replied. I hurried to my bedroom and stripped down naked and put on a short sheer teddy, then I crawled into bed and waited. I laid their thinking about what I was planning on doing and I felt my pussy getting real wet. About ten minutes later my son entered the room.
“Come here and lay down next to me so we can talk” I said as I pulled the sheet down beside me. He came over and crawled in under the sheet. I turned so that I was on my side facing him; this allowed him a clear view of my breast. I knew that they were visible to him due to the fact that the material of my teddy was so thin. As we lay there talking, our conversation turned to sex. I glanced down and noticed a huge bulge in the sheet, I now knew his cock was hard. Seeing this made my pussy throb. I could feel my nipples getting big and hard, so I rolled back over onto my
“Kevin, roll over and lay on top of mommy” I said “Why?” he asked “I would just like to hold you in my arms like I use to when you were little” I replied
With that he rolled over and slid on top of me. As he did I gently pulled my teddy up and spread my legs, allowing him to lay in-between them. I started to run my fingers through his hair and down over his neck. I could feel his massive cock pressing against my mound, it felt so big and hard. His robe was the only thing between his hard cock and my naked pussy. “Raise up for a minute, the knot in your robe is hurting me,” I said
As he raised up I reached down and untied his robe and slid it open. Then I motioned for him to lay back down on top of me. I felt his cock touching my mound and it sent a wave of electricity surging though my body. I ran my hands up under his robe and lightly started to rub my hands up and down his back. At the same time I ran my foot up and down the calf of his hairy leg. His cock began to throb against me as I continued to entice him. The love juices from my pussy were flowing like mad. I just had to have that massive cock of his deep inside of me.
“Scoot down just a bit” I said. He moved down a little but it still wasn’t enough. So I told him to move down a little further. As he did I brought my knees up and spread my legs wide. As I spread my legs I felt the head of his cock slip down between, coming to rest at the entrance of my pussy. Seeing I was so wet, the head of his cock found its target and slipped just inside of my waiting hole. “Scoot back up a little” I told him. Slowly he moved up. I felt the head of his hard cock entering me, sliding deeper and deeper. Soon his cock was fully inside my throbbing pussy. I began to move my pussy up and down on his long shaft, fucking his huge cock. Then I felt him slowly start to slide it in and out fucking me. It felt so wonderful. “OH YES, give to mommy, fuck me with that big hard cock of yours” I whispered in his ear. I reached down and grabbed his ass as he started to fuck me harder. I couldn’t believe how big it felt inside my pussy, it felt as though it was going to tear me apart. Soon I was bucking up as he thrust his cock deep into me, I knew he was about to explode inside of me. I pulled his face to my breast and he took one of my hard nipples into his mouth and began to suck it. “That’s it, suck it sweetheart” I cried out. I felt his cock enlarging in my pussy so I lifted my legs high in the air and pulled him deep inside me as his cock exploded squirting cum deep inside my pussy. The feel of his hot cum filling my pussy drove me over the edge giving me the most powerful orgasm I’d ever had. After wards we just lay there till his cock went limp and slipped from my cum filled pussy, then he went to his room and I fell asleep. The next afternoon he had a baseball game so I went along to watch. After the game was over we went back home. Once at the house he said he was going to take a shower seeing he was all sweaty from playing ball. I sat at the kitchen table thinking about what we had done the night before and wondering if he might be angry with me. While I sat there Kevin walked in wearing his robe he went over to the sink and began doing dishes. “I’ll get those sweetheart” I said, “Oh that’s okay mom, I can help out around here while dads gone” he replied. As I watched him I found myself become aroused. So I got up and walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist and laid my head on his shoulder. “Your such a good son” I whispered. I glanced down over his shoulder and saw that his robe had parted slightly and his cock was hanging out. Wanting to stay where I was and admire it I started a conversation. “Your not upset about last night are ya?” “No mom” he replied, “I don’t know what came over me, I just couldn’t help myself” I said. As we talked I kept glancing down at his cock. I ran my hand inside his robe and began rubbing it over his chest hoping to arouse him. I started to tell him how long it had been since I had had an orgasm like he gave me. Glancing down again I saw it was doing the trick, his cock was beginning to rise. Finally I couldn’t help myself; I just had to hold it in my hand. So slowly reached down and wrapped my fingers around its tick shaft.
“Shhhh, don’t say anything, just let me hold it for a minute” I whispered. He just stood there as I held and stroked his giant cock. Lightly I ran my thumb over its swollen head then back across it. It was getting bigger and harder as I did. I began to slowly slide my hand up and down it in a jacking motion, and then I slid my other hand down and gently rubbed his balls.
“Oh goddd” I said as I sank to the floor on my knees. I turned him around and ran my tongue up his long shaft. He leaned back against the counter and watched as I licked up then took the head of his massive cock into my mouth. He reached down and grabbed my head and began to fuck my mouth. “Ohhh yeaaa that feels so gooooddd mom” he said as I flicked my tongue over and around his cock head. “You’re going to make me cum mom”
Then I heard a loud moan and grunting as he exploded like a shotgun inside my mouth. His hot cum hit the back of my throat. His cock kept squirting cum and I couldn’t swallow fast enough. Soon my mouth was so full it started running out and down my chin. His cock subsided and he finally let go of my head allowing me to stand. As I wiped the cum from my face he said, “Wow that was great mom, that was my first blowjob”. Then he took me in his arms and kissed me. I felt his tongue struggling to enter my mouth so I parted my lips allowing it in. He began to push me backwards till I hit the kitchen table as he continued to kiss me.
“Now its my turn” he said, and with that he lifted and sat me on the edge of the table. He reached up under my dress and took the waistband of my panties and pulled them down an off. He then pushed me back on the table and spread my legs. My inner thighs and pussy was soaking wet from my juices as he pulled up a chair and sat down in front of my wet pussy.
“I’ve been wanting to eat your pussy all day” he said as he lowered his face down to my horny pussy. He started by lightly kissing and licking my inner thighs. As horny as I was I knew it wouldn’t take much to make me cum and I was right. As I felt his mouth encircle my clit I climaxed. I was so excited that I didn’t want him to stop, I wanted him to make me cum again.

“That’s my good boy, lick mommies pussy” I begged. He continued to lick and suck up and down my slit just stopping at my clit long enough to tickle it with his tongue. It sent chills up and down my spine each time he did. Soon I felt another orgasm building within me. I reached down and pulled his face tight into my pussy. With his tongue buried deep in my hole I began to fuck it. As I fucked his tongue I felt his nose rubbing against my clit and it drove me wild. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was bucking like mad wanting to squirt my cum in my son’s mouth. Then I felt my pussy contract tight and the hot flow of my cum squirting into my son’s waiting mouth. He kept on licking all the cum from my pussy as I lay there trying to catch my breath. Then I sat up.

” That was incredible, are you sure you’ve never been with a woman before” I said with a smile. Ever since then we’ve been sucking and fucking each other whenever we get the chance.

With images of nude women filling his head, Mike lay naked on his bed, stroking his cock and thinking about pussy. His blue terry-cloth bathrobe was on the floor where he had dropped it upon entering his room.But the slow stroking of his hand upon his stiff prick, soon drove such thoughts from his mind. He hadn’t even bothered to close his door.Mike cupped his balls and rolled them between his fingers as he pumped his cock, picturing several of the girls who lived in the neighborhood. There was Janny, a petite redhead who lived down on the corner, and Susan a raven-haired beauty who lived several blocks over. Mike could see them in their knee high socks, blouses open revealing their pert titties and their short skirts lifted up to reveal their wet pussies to him. Mike groaned as he thought about ramming his cock into their dripping wet snatches. As his stroking became faster, he could feel his balls tightening, ready to blow a load of cum.

“Why, big brother, whatever are you doing?”

These are pictures of a Swedish doll made of silicone.

The texture of the skin is similar to 99.8% of the human.

It will last two years if used constantly and consistently everyday.

Completely adjustable to any position you want.

There are 100 sensors spread around the body.

There are 30 sensors on the private parts.

Each sensor makes her move in a specific way, up to 20 positions.

On penetration she emits a light gentle sound that echoes gently in your ears.

Comes with inbuilt sound in the throat and recognizes up to 16 commands that are extremely personal up to two meters away from her ears.

When there is any type of pulsation sensed in her private parts she emits light moans of stimulation.

Above all that she gets wet with a slight touch over any of the sensors.

Most important, she has a voice password which should be protected from disclosure.

Principal characteristics:

She has three entries (vaginal , anal, and oral)

She can move her head in any direction you choose.

Completely customizable to your liking so you can choose the following:

SIZE

HEIGHT

SKIN COLOR

EYES COLOR

HAIR COLOR

PUBIC HAIR COLOR OR COMPLETELY SHAVEN.

NUMEROUS ADVANTAGES AND FEW DISADVANTAGES.

ADVANTAGES..

She does not speak.

She does not get fat.

She never has periods.

She does not pass gas.

She never goes shopping.

She does not get pregnant.

She does not have a mother.

She never ever gets headaches.

She does not go to the hairdresser.

She does not watch soaps or Oprah.

She does not care what we watch on TV.

She does not frequent internet chat rooms.

She will never get elderly human physical attributes.

She will not get jealous if you bring home another woman.

She will not nag if you go out and she won’t care when you return.

Only  $6,000.00

Beats the hell out of Barbie, eh?

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out non-essentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a dogie toy, isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior ofher vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

My mom got married five years ago. until then i was an only child. he’s 21 right now. I’m 19.  I’ve had this interest in incest for a long time, I’ve read countless stories and i find the thought of it sinfully arousing and erotic.  Fuck why does my stepbrother have to be so sexy?  By the way his name is Shawn. My best friend’s name is Sarah.  Last weekend we had a few friends over for a small party. We drank. We smoked. We played X-box, and I  sucked my stepbrother’s cock. I’m not kidding, I just had to tell someone. It was like 2am and my best friend was having sex in the living room with the lights out. No one else was home but the four of us. She was trying to keep quiet but we were all really buzzed and high. I was going to the bathroom when I heard them, so I quietly went into the kitchen (which was completely dark) and watched them fuck on the couch.  More than five minutes pass (and this is after they’ve already been having sex for like ten or fifteen), they’re still going at it. I see my stepbrother hiding in the hallway at the side of the living room but he doesn’t see me, he’s watching my best friend bouncing topless on her bf on the couch. I walk right past them without them even noticing. My stepbrother sees me coming and bolts down the hallway like maybe I didn’t see him. (i think he was jerking off) he’s standing by his bedroom door acting totally innocent.  I was like “you were totally watching them have sex weren’t you!” And he was like “well I can hear it in my room how am I suppose to sleep?” “They’ll be done in a while, don’t be disrespectful and go to sleep” is what I said.  He called me a bitch and quietly shut his door. I just stood there for like three minutes to see if he would try to come back out. My friend was still moaning in the living room, it was really turning me on.  The door cracked open in front of me and I push in, scaring the shit out of my stepbrother. I quietly closed the door behind me so that I could chew him out. (and I swear that was my only intention) I was like “I knew it! Cant you just watch some porn and leave my friend alone?”  He was like “my computer’s been fucked up, I cant get it to start.”  I told him that’s what he gets for watching too much of it.  He’s like “What’s it to you? They’re fucking in our living room.”  “If it wasn’t my best friend I probably wouldn’t care, she wouldn’t like you watching.”  I could see he was really disappointed, and she was putting on a really hot show. I was about to suggest we could both watch them then but then how awkward would that be? Just as I was thinking that I realized that Shawn was like totally hard and in only his boxers. He’d been covering himself with his hands and he had it pinned against his stomach held up with his boxer waistband.  He saw that I noticed and he got so embarrassed as I barely held in a laugh. He spun around and was like “can’t I have some privacy?”  I said “That’s probably how  Sarah feels.”  He was like “yeah, well than Sarah shouldn’t be having sex on our couch.” Then he was like “if you’re gonna stay in here then let me get my clothes on.”  Without even thinking about it I said  “I’m not bothered.” I was like, did I seriously say that?  I remember how he looked over his shoulder at me, that look like “Are you kidding?” He then said “I’m just surprised. Hell, I’m not bothered by it, I just thought you’d be.  I could only think of playing it off and not making it awkward. I said something like “I don’t understand why nakedness is such a big deal with people, I’ve never been bothered by it.”  “Well if that’s the way you feel about it.” And he turned around with his hands on his hips and his still hard cock sticking straight out. “still feel that way?”  “I was like “Umm…”  “Feeling differently about it now?”  He was obviously comfortable with himself, and why wouldn’t he? Besides having a hot body he had a fair sized dick. I realized as I was staring at it.  “Or did you just want to see my dick?”  I was like “No! But it being right there it’s kind of hard not to look at it”  “Well it’s because of you that it’s like this, I would’ve gotten myself off and gone to sleep by now.”  That made me feel a little guilty, some how I reasoned it out in my head and felt comfortable in my resolve. I’ve always been confidant in myself, the whole ‘no fear’ thing, ya know? So without second guessing(which causes doubt which leads to fear) this is exactly what I did:  I walked right up to him, (he’s 7 inches taller than me) put both my hands on his chest, looked down at his cock then back up into his eyes and simply said “I can help you with that.”  I had him dumbstruck, I’m not sure what he was thinking, but it was probably along the lines of “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? ” Now I admit I was still really buzzed, you know that feeling really fucking good buzz, but I wasn’t drunk. However, Shawn probably was to, as he was drinking quite a bit more than me but he wasn’t falling over or stumbling. So we were both feeling really good. I gave him to opportunity to object before pushing him onto the edge of his bed and kneeling down in front of him.  He sat straight, looking at me dumbfound as I began stroking his cock. He began obviously enjoying it, and I was too, so I began sucking it (and I really enjoyed that moment, it was like a surge of energy and I remember thinking “he’s actually letting me do this!). When he laid back and started groaning I became very comfortable and went full out on him.  I had already had experience from my last (and only) boyfriend and from that I discovered that it’s really easy for me to deep-throat. I really enjoyed his surprised reaction when I took him to the base. He was like “Oh my god!” over and over again, like he’d never had a good BJ (and I don’t think he’d had). I must have sucked him for a good ten minutes and in the end I was so hot (and I still cant believe I did this because I never had before) that I let him cum in my mouth and I swallowed every drop!